I am a rock,
I am an Island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
~Simon & Garfunkel~
Chronic Illness Attitude Blues. Yep, I get them, temporarily consumed in a melody of woe while soulfully lip-syncing with gritty emotion...usually at an occasional pity-party for only me, impromptu and private.
A common misconception...expectation (?) of coping for an individual facing/dealing/living with a crisis will be "buck-up," with a smile and fortitude, head on. I can candidly say, "Faith, humor, flexibility, and prayer have been my mainstays in coping with my chronic ails."
I can also say, "Coping is a new challenge every single day. It is not a destination, but an endless journey."
As with all long and difficult journeys, a traveler will become weary. Daily living within a limited body, frenzied merry-go-round of medical appointments, and centering my activities around medication timing and peak performance are not only physically-draining, but emotionally depleting. I have moments or days when my personal expense of thought and energy is overwhelming. I crumble under the burden.
Pain woke me in the wee hours of Thursday. Darkness surrounded me in comforting silence and appropriate gloom. Laying still on my back, I counted the areas of pain in my body, giving a severity score to each one. Thinking about my hectic medical schedule and trying to fit the normalcy of life into "eye of the storm," I grieved.
I grieved over the loss of what I was, what I am, fear of what I may become. It can be cathartic for me to acknowledge my grim realities, as long as I do not allow myself to get sucked into a vortex of hopelessness. Sometimes my bravery becomes bravado and I need to privately nurture my pain.
In those quiet hours, I (obviously);-) thought about my physical pain, my emotional pain, and future uncertainties. Sometimes the pain of living with chronic illness is too deep for tears, just a heavy, consuming darkness in my soul. Feeling alone, I mourned, thought, and prayed.
Then came the morning, a new day, a fresh start. ;-)
"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1
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